obliviousally_lj

I've been feeling, I don't know, emotionally and mentally strung out, frustrated, drained lately.

I'm insanely, quietly stressed because rent is coming up soon and we have dwindling funds. I've been putting in applications all over the place, but nowhere is really, actually hiring. Oh, sure, everywhere will take an application, but nowhere has any positions to fill. Leads that seem promising just dry up and I won't hear from the bookstore until at least the end of next month.

My mother has been emotional and stressed, which has been making me such because I just don't know how to deal with her and what she's going through. I know this time of year is difficult for her. I know that. Birthdays of deceased loved ones, anniversary of deaths. But I don't process death the same way she does and I don't grieve the same way she does. There's only so long I can respond to her crying on the phone with 'uh-huh', 'yeah', 'that sucks'. It makes me feel awful, but at the same time, I just don't have the same brain processes when it comes to that.

I've been running away from things that I should be bringing to light because, honestly, I fear how they would turn out if I voiced my opinion. I fear the aftermath, the repercussions. I fear the whole scene I've built up in my head. I don't want the tension and I don't want the arguments. So I temporarily take myself out of the environment that I dislike, because that seems like the healthiest thing to do. It seems like the sanest thing to do. But I'm not actually escaping what I dislike and I'm not actually solving the thing that's upsetting me.

Which makes me more upset. Which makes me stress over how I can fix it without having to say it. It leads to me taking baths just to cry. To keeping myself busy however possible just to not think about it.

Overall, I'm not all that sad or upset, honestly. There's just one thing that's been digging at me for at least the last six months, if not closer to a year and I can't get a proper grasp on it to deal with it in a delicate manner.

---

That being sad, otherwise things have been really good.

I have still been job hunting, but I think I'm going to have to break down and do some commissions. At least try to maybe get half the rent, which is about $250. I've put in a lot of applications around town, trying to be mindful of the bus routes and how far I can bike and all that.

Speaking of biking, I've been doing about 10-15 miles a day when I go out to bike around. It's been refreshing. I don't know if it's doing much to help me lose weight, but my calves are fucking awesome, so I'm getting something out of it. I have to fix the brakes on Tony's bike and make him go out with me, too. I've been going out to Towner's Woods a lot, too, since it's only a few miles on the bike trail.

I need to buy a basket or saddle bags for the back rack of my bike at some point. I have a basket for the front and it's insanely useful, but I'd like something for the back when I go up to Save-A-Lot or Acme. Or even just to bike around and go to the library or something.

But it's been really nice to bike so much.

I was a hardcore cleaning machine yesterday. Getting visitors (or even potential visitors) makes me freak out and need the house clean for some reason. And the house had gotten pretty bad over the last few months. I would float from room to room and maybe clean two of them before sputtering out and saying 'fuckit'. Yesterday was not the case. I cleaned the living room, organized a bunch of stuff, moved old critter cages to the basement, Christmas and Halloween stuff to the basement. I scrubbed down doors and the bathtub and cleaned out the linen shelves (not that they actually hold any linen). WASHED DISHES and scrubbed the carpet in the kitchen. It was amazing and having the house clean feels amazing and does wonders for my mood. The cats love it too, since I moved the couch, they can tearass through the living room at their leisure now.

Angie came over today and we dug up some of the plot for my garden with Tony 'supervising'. Then we BBQ'd and bullshat for awhile. I miss the three of us hanging out and shenanigans~ But she's been coming to game night, which is pretty cool because we're all nerds who love board/card games. Tony and I picked up Lunch Money from Off The Wagon downtown, too. Week before last, we hung out in MSB on campus until, like, 4AM or something. It was pretty awesome.

---

So that project I had to do for Art as World Phenomenon?



I also managed to bullshit seven freaking pages about it and my artistic process. I don't have fuckall of an idea what I'll get on it, but whatever. It's done.



Also, a little Sahariel for good measure.

---

My Supernatural forum has been doing really good! Which is pretty awesome. Active players, folks applying for canons, all kinds of fun stuff.

I also joined CharaHub (user 1117), which I love and adore and can't wait for more features and stuff to be implemented. It's in beta right now and, if you want to join, the secret code/phrase is 'peacock'.

If anyone has Spotify, I do, as well. My username/account is 129989781, but my stuff is also find-able through my Facebook. I fucking love getting new music from folks and sharing music~

Speaking of music, Rasputina next month!!

I don't know why I'm so sad and so down. It's not even time for my period yet, my last one finished about a week ago. I don't understand why all I want to do it cry, but I'm really not a fan of it.

It doesn't help that, when I try to explain why I was distant and standoffish to people that they react by assuming they've done something wrong and then holding my mood against me. I don't want that response when I tell someone what's wrong, nor is that the response I should recieve. I'm allowed to be in crap moods, even if they're not my fault and I don't know where they've come from. But I shouldn't be given the silent treatment and ignored because of it.

How will that help me at all? It won't. It only makes me feel worse because now I'm left trying to figure out what exactly I did wrong when I know, in reality, I did nothing at all and I shouldn't be blaming myself for someone elses' reactions at all.

I think this is why I keep that outwardly optimistic and cheerful nature. That's not to say that I'm two different people, no. I am naturally an optimistic and happy person. But when I'm in a bad/sad mood and I'm treated like I don't exist, well, why should I even bother telling people what's wrong when I get nothing in response? It's why I only spill everything here because then I can at least assume someone's read it and understood what I'm saying, even if there's no comments or response. I can put myself at ease by thinking 'someone knows how this feels'.

I hate being sad for no reason. All I did last night was lay in front of the computer and try to keep from crying. I sat in the backyard when I took Melanie out this morning and just cried for no reason. If I knew why I was sad, I'd glady do my best to remedy it, but I don't have any idea and that just frustrates me more, which leads to more tears.

I wish people wouldn't always think that my mood is directly caused by them. It's rarely the case and I'm not hesistant to say if it is. I mean, I guess because I tend to keep things like this to myself, people don't realize I just get really, really sad sometimes for no reason and a lot of the time it's because of my hormones and close to my period, but occasionally, it's for no reason at all.

I guess I wish I could be believed when I say something that seems to 'contradict' my normal personality.

I think it's getting close to my period again (lol tmi, deal with it) because everything is just making me want to cry. I feel like I'm being ignored by some people and torn into by others. I wish I could have someone ask me what's wrong and not take it as a personal slight when I reply with 'nothing' or that I don't feel well. I wish everything that comes out of my mouth wouldn't be taken as me being bitchy.

I spent half of the day trying not to cry in public. Over what? Pretty much nothing more than my mind runing in overdrive and making me worry about things that weren't even concerns.

Will anyone care about this? Probably not.

The only upside to today so far is that the sun is FINALLY out.

I got a C on my Art History exam. I was happy about this until I realized there was a five point curve on top of the five extra points tacked on from the quiz the other day. Which means, in reality, I got a D. Which sucks because I thought I did a lot better than that. Friday I'm going to see what I missed or got wrong on the exam and find out if it was my retarded dyslexia or genuine wrong answers that I didn't know.

I'm firmly convinced I have SOME sort of mild dyslexia. I can read things and be ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that the way I read it was correct until someone points out that it actually says something different. I get words mixed up a lot in sentences and that really screws me over on exams/tests/quizzes, even when I go back and double check the questions. Sometimes I won't notice what I did wrong until I see the paper later on or, like above, someone points it out to me.

It's really, really frustrating and I really, really hate it because I go out of my way to be careful and read things carefully, but that doesn't always work.

I'm PMSing, on the rag and I fucking forgot any tampons before leaving the house. Lovely.

I'm reacting negatively to almost everything. Anything negative anyone says, I'm taking it as a slight against me or an insult against me. I kind of just want to hole up, cry for awhile and sleep until it's over, but I don't get that luxury because I have school and all that. I spent all of yesterday cleaning and installing Windows 7 on the downstairs desktop just so I could avoid a lot of social interaction. I'm just feeling like I'm disappointing everyone lately, myself included.

I can't seem to find a job, despite constant searching and I have to pay rent at the end of the month. I don't have a fallback for November. I'm not waiting on a chunk of school money. In fact, I OWE the school money because they didn't pull it out of my last refund and now I have to - SOMEHOW - pony up $128 because they were fucking lazy. The water might get cut off if I can't put anything on it and I have $5 in the bank.

LIFE'S REAL COOL, GUYS.

Also, my headphones died. Which is like the icing on my shit cake.

I really hate bitching so much, but I don't want to unload it on my friends because it's not their problem. I just want a job again and to not have to worry about my bills/rent. I can live without going out or doing anything fancy. I just want to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. Fuck everything else. I don't need those things.

I'm feeling kind of hurt right now.

Listless, apathetic, worthless, useless, stupid, thoughtless, dumb.

Another case of 'you're a fuckup, Ally'.

It's so weird how one phrase or comment just kicks the shit out of your mood, shoves it in the garbage disposal and turns it on for gory mayhem.

Meh.

---

And, just like that, it's changed.

Dear Hormones,
I hate you, die in a fire.
Love, Ally.

I had a dream the other night that I was in the kitchen of this old, old ramshackle trailer (I vividly recall old wood paneling almost everywhere. granted, this could be almost anywhere I've lived at any point in my life, but it wasn't.). I don't know WHY I was there or even how I got there. But then there's fuckin' Jared Padaleck, Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins and I'm tyring to get them to help me get OUT. Only, it's not Sam, Dean and Castiel so we're all sort of fucked and then I woke up.

It was pretty bizzare. The longer I was stuck there, the more freaked out I was starting to get.

---

[02:58] Ally: i found the most absurd (yet well drawn) picture of dean as snake. i'm posting it to angie's facebook
[02:58] itsananimalthing: WUT
[02:58] Ally: http://firebolide.deviantart.com/art/Dean-Snake-87471150
[02:59] itsananimalthing: ...
[02:59] itsananimalthing: Oh.
[02:59] itsananimalthing: I thought you meant a snake
[02:59] itsananimalthing: snaak
[02:59] Ally: dfklghdlfkbjhdklfhgdklfghdklfhg
[02:59] itsananimalthing: I'm let down. ;_;
[02:59] Ally: obv you should draw that

---

Okay, yesterday's post was pretty epicly whiny. I discovered the reason for that and it's pretty much PMS (TMI: I thought I had another week or two before my period, so it was a bit of a surprise for me.). I sort of got all overdramatic about things that, really, I can cope with. Yeah, I was dumb with my money, but it's not the end of the world and it's certainly nothing I haven't dealt with before. But yesterday it turned into BAWWWW and ugh.

So, whatever. Not the end of the world, I'll survive and everything'll be fine.

---

Also, I think this is the first time I've use a photo of myself for an icon. How about that.

It's one of those days where I'm feeling restless, yet unmotivated.

I just sort of want to lay around a lot and hope things get accomplished in my wake.

I think it's the changing weather/seasons. I love love love autumn, but the seasonal change always takes a toll on my motivation and desire to actually get up and do anything. Right now, I also thing apathy from PMS is helping that out, as well.

I need to clean my room and wash a few dishes. I have a bunch of things to hang up and just general things to do.

But...I just want to sit around and not do anything.

I haven't gone to Drawing class for three days now. I've been severely slacking in Psychology and Math. I'm feeling really stupid about these things and I know I need to shape up and just DO IT, but right now my mindset is 'meh'.

I know it'll pass, it always does. But I feel like a tard while it's around.

---

In other news? I don't know, been watching a lot of Supernatural lately. About halfway into season two, actually.

I really, really, really don't get the Sam/Dean slashers. REALLY REALLY DON'T. Is it so hard for people to leave the fact that they're brothers who care for each other at that? Really? How to people justify slashing them? Seriously? There's nothing like that there. Dean really likes girls, as does Sam. It's not hard to see. I cannot see even a single situation where it would be acceptable for them to be paired together like that.

Oh, wait, I know now. Fangirls have no goddamn sense in their head and anything that isn't their bishie slashy worldview is wrong.

Right, riiiiiiiight.

I really hate the aftermath of conventions. Well, more like, the lack of anything happening. I'm also UBER busy before a con, prepping and finishing things and being generally crazy. Then the convention happens and MORE CRAZY all over the place. Then....a sudden stop. I'm unmotivated, bored, a fat, lazy lump of the weekend prior. It's annoying because my brain wants to work on things, but my body is like '...eh'. I don't get Post Con Depression. I get Post Con Lethargy.

But I did get the yard mowed. I cleaned the living room downstairs since it hadn't been cleaned since everyone was through here that last week. I gotta gather up dishes and do those, too. Blah blah blah house things blah. My area also needs cleaned like WOAH. It's starting to look like a basement-dwelling neckbeard lives here. Empty bags of chips, pork rinds, Little Debbie cakes, Pepsi bottles. It's pretty atrocious.

I also gotta put up my Pseudo Manitou prints somewhere on my wall. Because they're pretties.

I need to fill out my FAFSA for the coming school year, too. And my mom keeps telling me to go down and apply for food stamps, because they'll probably give them to me. Hey, free money for food to tide me over until I get a job? I can run with that. I just fucking HATE the welfare office. Like crazy. But it doesn't look like I'm going to get the luxury of ANY unemployment because Niles Target fucked up my hours. Assholes.

The fact that none of my stuff is selling right now is a little frustrating. Seems like the only original stuff I can ever sell has tits and ass, which is really depressing and makes me wonder why I even offer up originals and stuff. Oh, right, because I want them out of my hair and the money is nice. I just really don't know what I'm doing wrong. I thought I had cute stuff for sale at Anthrocon, little cheaply priced things and all, but I didn't sell a single thing in my book.

Uuuugh. I don't know.

I need to force myself through my commission list. Some people have been waiting WAY too long for simple things like sketches just because I've been a fucking lazy ass and I haven't kicked my ass into gear to do their pieces. I know I want to do my best on them, but I also can't keep stalling and making them wait. It's unfair to them and ends up stressful for me.

I'm also feeling stagnant with my art lately. This is probably partially due to the fact I know two other artists who do awesome expressions and shit that's, well, NOT STAGNANT. It's like I've drawn myself into a corner with my art and I don't have the vaugest fucking clue how to follow the maze back out to something decent. Uuugh. Maybe I'll pick up that pose book from the library again and force myself to sit down and draw from that. God knows it can't get any worse than the standing around poses I'm doing now.

Goddamn am I bitching. D:

---

Speaking of bitching, we staffed at Tikicon Cleveland on Saturday.

Yeah, wow. THAT could've been better planned and executed. The lack of signage, the lack of information given to us volunteers as to where things were (example: movie screenings at the Hanna Theatre? yeah, we're not all from Cleveland and just putting 'Hanna Theatre' on the schedule does not help anyone. even after Google Mapping it, I realized that even THAT was wrong and probably gave a dozen people the wrong directions.). The utter lack of volunteers in general and the ones that were there, but wandereing around with staff badges but NOT ACTUALLY DOING STAFF THINGS? Yeah, you guys can suck it.

It is not part of my job as a volunteer (or part of anyone's job as a volunteer, actually) to watch over the 10+ kids that were property of two other staff members. I helped out once because I was asked nicely. TJ and another girl were left behind the main desk for quite some time and had to put up with the screaming and squealing ALL WHILE trying to take registrations and pre-paid registrations. That's a great impression to give any of the guests.

PLUS. Batcopter rides were supposed to happen Saturday. Directed a bunch of people to where they were supposed to be (Carniege and 9th, I believe) and...no Batcopter. The Batmoblie was supposed to be set up and they were going to do some kind of raffle. That wasn't set up AT ALL.

Holding Tikicon during Ingenuity Fest was a good idea on paper, but in execution? Not so much. It was hard to find the Halle Building, the traffic sucked, the venue was a bit cramped and rushed. Even having Ray Park, Michael Rosenbaum and Edward James Olmos isn't going to save this, guys.

I was sorely disappointed in the fact that we all drove up an hour and a half at 8AM to get there at 10AM and there was only a handful of useable volunteers (because each celebrity guest gets a volunteer to handle their cash from autographs). Which meant some people sitting at the main desk for 6+ hours and some people manning the doors and checking badges for 4+ hours and no one bothering to switch out. There was jsut a small group of us that helped each other out.

I've staffed numerous cons and I've been to many more. I think I have a PRETTY GOOD IDEA of how to deal with volunteers and keep things running smoothly. I'll staff Tikicon Niles, but I'm going to be pretty anal about volunteers actually working and things making sense for guests. It's not rocket science. Really.

The fact that Peter was expecting 10,000 attendance? I will hold back my response to that one...

On the up side? I saw Todd Dezago and Terry Huddleston again, the latter of which I didn't expect to be there. Got to run around the festival with Anakin and Stormtroopers.

I also saw a Winter Soldier bust I wanted SO BAD but only had $10 on me. I sadfaced. HARD.

Overall? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see Tikicon suceed and go somewhere. But...if things keep like this, I may not continue to be involved. I'm not afraid to voice my displeasure at things, especially when I'm staff. I'm not going to bend over backwards and say everything went GREAT. Because it obviously did not.

I feel like shit because I opened my fat mouth and said something that I didn't mean. But it came across in the wrong way and now I've potentially ruined someone's evening.

Just like I did the other day.

Way to start off the weekend, Ally.

Dumbass.