Stuff and TEN SECRETS.

[obliviousally_lj]

01 :: My mom's a junkie. Well, she's not as much anymore. She used to do alot of crack and heroin. This is why I grew up pretty much on my own and raising my sibilings. Despite the drugs, she did have good intentions. But, we all know that the road to hell was paved with good intentions. I still love my mom, despite alot of people having trouble wrapping the brain around that. She's much more in control of herself now that she's living in the country. But I don't blame my mom for anything that's happened in my life and I don't guilt trip her for what she's done. I wouldn't go back and change a thing about my life. If I did, I wouldn't be who I am today.

02 :: I don't miss my sibilings. I say I do because it seems like I should. This isn't to say I wouldn't like to get in touch with them again and talk. They were simply in my life for such a short time from the time I was seven until I was 15 or 16. During that time I couldn't stand having them around. It was typical for someone my age, however. Even moreso because I'd pretty much raised them (there was a time or two when they called me 'mommy'). So when they went to live with their grandmother (on their father's side) I simply went on with my life like nothing had changed.

03 :: I miss Christmas. I say that I'm not a big fan of the season. And I really dislike what it's become since I've grown up. But I miss Christmas as what I remember it as a child. I miss making cookies and decorating the tree with family. I miss when Thanksgiving's over and I could finally drag down all the old ornaments and look through them. My grandma had such beautiful Christmas ornaments from when she was younger and when my mom was growing up. I miss sledding and running down the stairs early in the moring and I miss that warm family feeling (even if it's not with blood family). I have a hard time sometime around the holidays because no one else really celebrates Christmas, so I don't get the chance to get a tree and decorate it and stuff.

04 :: I like collecting old things. Pictures of dead people, keys (oh my god, I love old keys), things that have been worn and loved and then tosses aside. Antique shows and stores are my downfall and it's a really good thing I don't have the money to shop at them. I once seriously considered buying a 'skin horse' (it had all it's fuzz rubbed off and reminded me of the horse in The Velveteen Rabbit) but TJ told me it couldn't come in the house (she doesn't like horses). I could spend hours upon hours in the huge antique mall near Sharon, PA just browsing things and looking around.

05 :: I'm far more dependant on others than I like to think. I really don't know what I'd do if something were to happen to TJ. Or even to my mom. I expect the regulars in my life to be there whenever I might need them, but that might not always be the case. It's one of those things I really try not to think about. But then...I don't know what I'd do if that rug was pulled out from under me.

06 :: I am pansexual. Not a lesbian. I will grudging accept bisexual if you can't grasp the concept of what pan is. Pansexual means I like people for who they are and not what's in their pants. This means I have the potential to be attracted to guys, girls, FTM, MTF, transvestites, genderqueer folk, etc., etc. I really DON'T have a preference in all honesty. I like people. I'm also completely open to a polyamorous relationship, as long as all parties involved are comfortable and trustworthy.

07 :: I've seriously considered suicide twice in my life. Once when I was living in North Carolina and I was, like, 16 and typical teenage depression and all that bullshit. The other time was this last spring when me and TJ were having a really rough time and I considered drowning myself in the bathtub. I, of course, didn't. And I never would as long as I was in my right mind. But it's one of those things I feel the need to keep track of because mental illness does run in my family and I do have some issues here and there with feeling like shit and all that. I hesistate to call it depression because, well, it's not. In my opinion. I have some sembelance of control over my feelings with it, at least. It's like saying you're depressed just because you're sad. It's not the same thing.

08 :: I think people who marry young or have a child young are wasting their lives. This also stems partially from the fact that I'm childfree and I never want children anyhow. But...honestly. It took me many years before I was with someone I wanted to spend many years with (and, honestly, probably the rest of my life. we're the only people who can stand each other for that long!) and I was already brighter and a bit more enlightened than everyone else my age. I just don't get it, really. There's so much MORE to do with your life without a child in it. Travel the world, go to exotic places, sleep in for hours and hours on the weekend, more money for yourself! Yes, I am a selfish, selfish person. I also really think there should be a license to breed...

09 :: I have no life plan. At all. I used to angst about this. That I'd never amount to anything and all that shit. But now I've realized that I don't NEED to amount to anything to be a worthwhile person. I have wonderful friends, a fabulous girlfriend and as long as I have these simple things, I don't need anything else. I'll be happy to work factory jobs and shit the rest of my life and still enjoy it. I don't feel the need to go to college (although I would like to), I don't feel the need to have a career or 'settle down'.

10 :: I miss the ocean. I know I'm right by the Pacific now, but I haven't been there yet. Since I've been here, at least. I have been to the Pacific before. I'm a fire child but I still feel such a connection with the water. I suppose that's probably because both my mom and father are Piscies. And I still want to take TJ to Hatteras Island. I love being on the beach and just exploring near the water. And, really, this goes for and sort of water. I love rivers and streams, ponds and lakes, etc., etc.


This took me ALL DAY. It's hard to find things that are 'secret' when you're pretty much an open book.

Comments

[hellebore.livejournal.com]

im going to poke the hornet's nest

i understand you're CF, and, yet at one point so was i

but the statement "There's so much MORE to do with your life without a child in it" bothers me. its not MORE, its DIFFERENT. i can 100% say that if i hadn't had my son, i would not being doing art right now. why? because i lost myself after having him, weird change in life. i ran back to art to find myself. now i have a nice balance.

not every parent stays at home all the time

im going to STFU before i say something i shouldnt

[obliviousally.livejournal.com]

Oh, I completely understand that. I recall you mentioning that you wouldn't be doing art had you not had your kid before. I suppose I did word that a bit wrong, as I never meant to say that life completely sucks if you have a kid. But most of what I'm confronted with is people who want to be stay-at-home moms and nothing else when they could do so much more with their lives.

It's really more of a 'having kids isn't for me, and this is why I feel that way[' sort of statement.

[mazz.livejournal.com]

I know you don't want to hear it again but I don't feel my life is wasted. I actually believe my life is going further with Angel.
I was a heroin addict, getting pregnant was the only reason I quit. It's the reason I havn't died of an overdose.
I never was going to finish school, I never was going to find a career and take my life anywhere.
I was going to die on the streets shooting that drug into my vein. That was my dead end life.
I'm in college now and I've gone farther than I ever would have without Angel.
It's her name for a reason.
--
Please don't take that as bad talking, it's just my 2 cents. I do hold you in a high respect and understand that you don't want children but what I don't understand is how those of us with kids are wasting out lives.

I really hope you learn to not rely on others so much, I'd love to see you keep moving on with life if something does happen to those who care about you. I don't want to see that happen but I know you're a strong person and you'd figure out how to make it if you had too. <3
--

I miss the ocean too, one of the sad parts of living in a land locked state.

[obliviousally.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't mind! You're a wonderful parent and I really wish more moms were like you. You've actually taught your child manners and the like. It's something alot of moms (especially the younger mothers I grew up around) don't do. When I lived in the ghetto, women were only having babies for better welfare checks. And people who were below the poverty line (like myself) couldn't get federal aid because we weren't pregnant or we didn't have a kid. So, of course, that left a sour taste in my mouth.

I don't see it as wasting your lives, persay. I just feel that, for alot of girls, you don't have to pop out a child as soon as you're of child-bearing age just because society says so. Get out and have fun before deciding to settle down. This is obvious an opinion I have for the general populace and some people are exempt from it.

It's probably one of those things I'm not putting into words well, but I don't mean to offend my friends who have children, because I know their stories. And I have a bad habit of predjudging people I don't know (the general populace) before knowing their stories.

I'm sure I would be able to bounce back from any hardships. I like to think I've been pretty good at it so far!