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obliviousally_ljSo I got a call from Bud around 5PM? 6PM? I don't remember. Telling me that my mom's out tricking. Lovely. Along with a bunch of other shit. So I take the long walk over to the north end of Warren (at least 30-45 minutes from my side of town) to see just what the fuck is up. Walking because TJ won't let me take the car because it's dealing with my mother. Fine, whatever, I need the exercise.
I didn't even want to tell TJ at first, because I knew what she'd say. And I didn't want to hear it. I know I'm stupid for even going over there. I've done it so many times that it's sick. And I don't know why I still do it. I really don't.
I was all ready to just blow up, had a whole speech planned out and then my mom goes off on god and shit. And then she tells me exactly why I'm there and everything.
I started crying.
I know, one day, I'm going to get a call or read in the paper about my mother being found dead somewhere. I know it. And she knows that what I'm afraid of. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. I know I can't prevent it. I know I can't do anything to keep her from what she's doing short of comitting her (which she did say she would go along with, if that's what I wanted). I know nothing I say will take her out of this shit she does every day. I don't really care if she's out getting high or tricking or whatever, she's her own person. She can do what she wants. But then she wonders why I won't come and stay with her or why I won't spend time with her? Fucking christ. And no matter what I try to do, even if she puts herself in rehab, she's still back out on the streets getting high within a month. I'm so fucking sick of it, but I can do nothing about it.
And I know if she were to die, the rest of my close biological family would fall apart. My grandma would follow suit not long after and my uncle would go insane or something. I couldn't handle that. I just...I couldn't. I'm not that strong. It's so hard to try to keep one family stable and then try to keep another, insanely chaotic family jsut as stable.
And...I just want someone to listen to me babble about this shit. I jsut want a shoulder to cry on and someone to comfort me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. But...there's no one who will do that here. Everyone has their own opinions and voices on the matter. None of them care that I'm completely lost in this whole situation. I...I don't know what to do. I cannot handle this thing without someone to help me, to support me in whatever stupid decisions I may make regarding this. Even if it's as trivial as walking across town just to see what's going on. I'm aware I can't fix it, I know that, but the least you could do is wish me good luck or something.
Anything.
When me and TJ came home she simply dropped me off at the apartment. She went...somewhere. Saying she couldn't comfort or help me and that she was going away. I don't know where she went and I don't know when she'll be back. But I'm sure by the time she returns I'll be back to normal, with the tear stains off of my face.
I feel so small and weak.
I didn't even want to tell TJ at first, because I knew what she'd say. And I didn't want to hear it. I know I'm stupid for even going over there. I've done it so many times that it's sick. And I don't know why I still do it. I really don't.
I was all ready to just blow up, had a whole speech planned out and then my mom goes off on god and shit. And then she tells me exactly why I'm there and everything.
I started crying.
I know, one day, I'm going to get a call or read in the paper about my mother being found dead somewhere. I know it. And she knows that what I'm afraid of. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. I know I can't prevent it. I know I can't do anything to keep her from what she's doing short of comitting her (which she did say she would go along with, if that's what I wanted). I know nothing I say will take her out of this shit she does every day. I don't really care if she's out getting high or tricking or whatever, she's her own person. She can do what she wants. But then she wonders why I won't come and stay with her or why I won't spend time with her? Fucking christ. And no matter what I try to do, even if she puts herself in rehab, she's still back out on the streets getting high within a month. I'm so fucking sick of it, but I can do nothing about it.
And I know if she were to die, the rest of my close biological family would fall apart. My grandma would follow suit not long after and my uncle would go insane or something. I couldn't handle that. I just...I couldn't. I'm not that strong. It's so hard to try to keep one family stable and then try to keep another, insanely chaotic family jsut as stable.
And...I just want someone to listen to me babble about this shit. I jsut want a shoulder to cry on and someone to comfort me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. But...there's no one who will do that here. Everyone has their own opinions and voices on the matter. None of them care that I'm completely lost in this whole situation. I...I don't know what to do. I cannot handle this thing without someone to help me, to support me in whatever stupid decisions I may make regarding this. Even if it's as trivial as walking across town just to see what's going on. I'm aware I can't fix it, I know that, but the least you could do is wish me good luck or something.
Anything.
When me and TJ came home she simply dropped me off at the apartment. She went...somewhere. Saying she couldn't comfort or help me and that she was going away. I don't know where she went and I don't know when she'll be back. But I'm sure by the time she returns I'll be back to normal, with the tear stains off of my face.
I feel so small and weak.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 06:58 pm (UTC)702-723-5404 for my number.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 06:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 06:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-16 06:53 pm (UTC)I can listen, even if I can't be there physically to offer a shoulder to cry on, or a wing to wrap yourself in. It's one of the few things I'm actually good at doing.
So if y'need an ear to talk into, or rant into, or even to scream into, let me know, hey? IM or phonecall, I'll be willing to listen.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 04:52 am (UTC)You're always welcome to come visit Doug & I for a little while, if you need to get away from that. And I couldn't blame you if you did, that's horrible. :(
no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 06:03 pm (UTC)You are strong. Your heart is what makes you strong. The pain of all of this won't go completely away. I make no promises with that. I do know that in the end, you have friends... You have us for family. TJ and me and the rest of us here on LJ. *hugs tight* remember that, K?