-_-

Aries - Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Even if you've been trying to stay focused, these can be pretty crazy times for you Rams. You have a significant amount of energy aimed in a narrowly tuned band of attention, but it seems like the tighter you pull it all in, the crazier things become. You might just as well give up. This doesn't, however, mean setting your goals aside. It just means that you may get there in a way that is very different from what you imagined.

Wow.

I've been in the crappiest, most aggravating mood the last two days. Why? We may or may not be keeping the apartment. It all comes down to money and the fact that we should have been moved in at the beginning of the month and we're still going to have to pay for the whole month, even though we weren't actually living there. But I got the key, so it's my responsibility, understandable. I can deal with that. Alot of factors went into us not moving in immediately. But what really fucks things up, is that rent for next month is due on the 3rd. Two weeks to come up with $250. And, on top of having to pay the rent this month, we've got to pay our $60 cell bill, get a land line for the phone set up so we can have internet, and buy food. We've also, in the time frame of 4 weeks, have to move, and get rid of possibly more than half of our animals. This does not make for a happy Ally. And we're moving into a place that's smaller than where we live now. Which would be fine, if it was just the two of us.

It's just all so very overwhelming when I'm not working and we barely have enough money to survive as is, without having to drop $250 a month on an apartment. TJ alone doesn't even make $250 in a month. And even if I magically get a job within the week, I won't be getting paid until sometime next month. It's not like we have a bunch of relatives that can help us. I don't know how much my mom will be able to help and that's the only family that will help.

And I talked to Peril last night and she,'s right about the fact that we can get food stamps once we have our own place and it'll be better for our sanity, especially TJ's, but it's just so much to take it.

I really should just suck it up and just do it, that's what I try to do, but this is such a big thing and I already hate moving, I've done it all my life. I got settled and comfortable here, despite living with the Hag, but she locks herself in her room all the time and doesn't bother us once I yell at her about eating our food or using our stuff.

I just don't know what to do. This whole apartment thing is more or less on me. And it's so much to deal with. I was so upset about everything yesterday that I was crying. Then I snapped at TJ and went to bed. Something I shouldn't have done, but it happened. And I'm sorry. I talked to Peril and she's got this whole package that she's going to send to us once we get moved and stuff and everyone's wanting us to get this place...

I just don't know what to do right now. Maybe I should just do it and not worry about what's going to happen...

Damnit, I feel like crying again.

[ EDIT ] MOTHERFUCK. This goddamn apartment and money shit is screwing everything the flaming fuck up. I just got an e-mail letting me know that the first Colossal Con staff meeting is, guess what, this fucking Friday. Which means we're not going to be able to attend because we'll be broke. Fucking christ.

Mmmkay...

I'm stepping back and looking at this apartment thing. I'm coming to the realization that it seemed like a great idea at first. Really, I was all for it, as everyone knows. But now I'm seeing that we're moving into a place that has one room, a kitchen and a bathroom. It is barely half the size of the place we stay in now. We would have to find some way to squeeze our necessities as well as the animals into it. We would also be paying $250 for a place half the size of the place we pay $0 for right now. We would have to get a phone, a microwave, and various other things that we already have right here.

Now, where we're at right now may not be the best of places. But it's alot better now than it was 6 months ago. The Hag stays out of our business, she doesn't ask for the car unless she can put gas money in it, and she's learned to stay out of our shit. We have all but one room of this apartment to ourselves. We have all of our stuff here and we can keep our animals (although, we planned on letting go of a few of the gerbils anyhow).

The thing that's freaking me out and pressuring me so much is that everyone wants us to move into this apartment. Everyone think's it's such a fantastic idea. Everyone doesn't realize how small this place is and how little money we have. this transition does not look like a good one by looking at the big picture. We'd be getting a place of our own, but we're also losing everything else. This doesn't weigh out on our side. And I don't like that.

And, in a place that small, me and TJ would kill each other as we'd have nowhere to get away from each other.

If we stay here, we can use that extra $250 a month to use for gas to check out colleges and stuff. To get our asses to school so we can make money and move into a place more suitable for us. I really want to go to school, and moving into this apartment will severely hinder that. The apartment has already screwed over our zoo voulnteering and various other things we had planned. And I'm almost positive it will FUBAR future plans we have.

The only problem is, I want to know what TJ wants to do. I can deal no matter where we're at. But I know TJ needs some way to level out her sanity. She's been doing really well lately, as the Hag hasn't bothered us. And that's a good thing. But I don't know if this lack-of-money-moving-into-a-new-apartment is going to stress her out all crazy-like. Or, if the move will even matter to her brain.

I'm really torn on what to do. I'm leaning towards giving the keys back and walking away, but everyone's expecting us to move into this place and I don't like that. I'm feeling like I've got to move in order to be viewed as an adult or something. It's very aggravating. I don't want to be forced into something I'm unsure of, but I do want TJ to be happy. And I will move into this place if that's what she wants.

But I don't think we can pull it off.