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I...love you?
Feb. 11th, 2004 12:51 amI've come to realize the word 'love' scares the hell out of me. Various reasons behind it, really, but love entitles a committment and more, but the committment part is just bad enough on its own. Love means giving yourself completely to someone. And I just can't do that. I need to be myself, to be independent.
I like casual things; casual dating is my ideal vision of as close to love as it gets. Maybe something just a little bit more, where you're not afraid to talk with the person, but going into the whole three-word deal is too far, at least to me. -![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jillofthejungle
That's it. That's exactly how I feel. Jill's so much better at putting things into words than I am. I was origially just going to comment, but then my brain started going. So it's going in an entry.
I am exceedingly scared of commitment, of losing my sense of freedom and independence. I don't know what it is about relationships that make one feel that they've lost any of those. Right now, I feel like I can do anything, go anywhere and simply be on my own and have a good time with whoever I want. Is this because TJ isn't here, possibly. We have a weird relationship, because it is a relationship. As much as we try to look past that or avoid it, it is. But it's not, like, an intimate relationship. It's a sister relationship, more than a friendship. I love TJ and I would, as Matt would, go to any length to make sure she's happy. Sometimes it scares the shit out of me how much I love her. Sometimes I think I should be bi, in order to justify my feelings for her. But I'm not bi. I know that much, I'm simply comfortable in my heterosexuality.
Sometimes I feel that I have lost some freedom and independence by being with her, but it's a sacrifice I made willingly. But now it's become a bit mroe evened out, now that she has a boyfriend. She has someone to give her extra love, and I have someone to take her off my hands every now and again. ^_-; And good god, being with someone who cares for her that much is something she needs. I become a cranky bitch when too much is asked of me, but Matt? No way. Matt's always there for whatever she needs, even if it's bitching about what a bitch I am. He makes her laugh and makes her happy. And a happy TJ makes a happy Ally. And I'm not jealous of their relationship. At all. I thought I would be, but I'm not. Maybe it's because he's in Canada and I don't see them together all the time, just every few months. And by theat time I'm stoked to see him, too, because he's a trip to hang out with. And then I'm completely oblivious to them together, until they give me dual commentary about naughty things. >_o
And then there's that. Boyfriend. I tell myself I don't want one, that they're a hassle, and then I see TJ and Matt together and it's all 'awwwwwwwwwwww! how cuuuuute. <3<3<3'. Then I'm torn, because I want to have affection and attention given to me, but then I don't. I don't want the stress and the jealousy a relationship brings. The required gift giving and the petty arguments. Sometimes I think I just want the physical contact. That's why I'm not planning on losing my virginity anytime soon, because I'm bound to want more. And, not wanting a relationship means quick fucks and one night stands with people who's name you don't know because you're too scared to make a commitment. And that in itself scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be a whore. I don't want to sleep around, but I know I won't be able to avoid it. So I simply keep my needs to myself and fix my own problems.
And then my hormones suddenly decide that I should develop a crush or two. Then they fly into a wall and go unconcious before I can even get a logical explaination out of them. Which leaves me confused, but no less a wanting. And it's difficult, because I can't figure out what exactly draws me to these people. I know them and they're friends, yes. But I have lots of guy friends. That doesn't mean I have to develop a thing for them. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe I need to get out more. But guys in my area are asstwats. I don't want someone I have to deal with everyday. I'll get edgy and snappy and that'll be the end of that. It's so fucking confusing. I don't want these feelings, but they're there and I can't do anything about them. So I jsut shut up and deal with them. Eat some chocolate, be grumpy and sleep.
Does any of this even make any sense? I doesn't quite to me. It's just word coming out of my head and onto the screen. I don't even know if I'll keep this public. If no one's seen it by morning, I'll probably tag it as private and be done with it. Won't ever have to remember I wrote any of it.
I think I'm gonna drink a mudslide, I feel like I need one. Then maybe go to sleep. But probably not. Have to fill out applications tomorrow and hope my mom swings by with some cash. :P
EDIT :: I wanted to add this, because it's a damn good quote. True, too...
Have you ever been in love?
Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vunerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your whole life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.
I hate love.
- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman
And, just so no one gets the wrong idea. This post isn't about me whining cause I have no one for Valentine's Day (I'm more dissapointed cause I won't have chocolate!) or me wanting love/affection/a boyfriend. This post is about me getting things out of my head. Journal = personal therapy. I'm perfectly content being single. It's just my hormones like to think differently every now and again.
I like casual things; casual dating is my ideal vision of as close to love as it gets. Maybe something just a little bit more, where you're not afraid to talk with the person, but going into the whole three-word deal is too far, at least to me. -
jillofthejungleThat's it. That's exactly how I feel. Jill's so much better at putting things into words than I am. I was origially just going to comment, but then my brain started going. So it's going in an entry.
I am exceedingly scared of commitment, of losing my sense of freedom and independence. I don't know what it is about relationships that make one feel that they've lost any of those. Right now, I feel like I can do anything, go anywhere and simply be on my own and have a good time with whoever I want. Is this because TJ isn't here, possibly. We have a weird relationship, because it is a relationship. As much as we try to look past that or avoid it, it is. But it's not, like, an intimate relationship. It's a sister relationship, more than a friendship. I love TJ and I would, as Matt would, go to any length to make sure she's happy. Sometimes it scares the shit out of me how much I love her. Sometimes I think I should be bi, in order to justify my feelings for her. But I'm not bi. I know that much, I'm simply comfortable in my heterosexuality.
Sometimes I feel that I have lost some freedom and independence by being with her, but it's a sacrifice I made willingly. But now it's become a bit mroe evened out, now that she has a boyfriend. She has someone to give her extra love, and I have someone to take her off my hands every now and again. ^_-; And good god, being with someone who cares for her that much is something she needs. I become a cranky bitch when too much is asked of me, but Matt? No way. Matt's always there for whatever she needs, even if it's bitching about what a bitch I am. He makes her laugh and makes her happy. And a happy TJ makes a happy Ally. And I'm not jealous of their relationship. At all. I thought I would be, but I'm not. Maybe it's because he's in Canada and I don't see them together all the time, just every few months. And by theat time I'm stoked to see him, too, because he's a trip to hang out with. And then I'm completely oblivious to them together, until they give me dual commentary about naughty things. >_o
And then there's that. Boyfriend. I tell myself I don't want one, that they're a hassle, and then I see TJ and Matt together and it's all 'awwwwwwwwwwww! how cuuuuute. <3<3<3'. Then I'm torn, because I want to have affection and attention given to me, but then I don't. I don't want the stress and the jealousy a relationship brings. The required gift giving and the petty arguments. Sometimes I think I just want the physical contact. That's why I'm not planning on losing my virginity anytime soon, because I'm bound to want more. And, not wanting a relationship means quick fucks and one night stands with people who's name you don't know because you're too scared to make a commitment. And that in itself scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be a whore. I don't want to sleep around, but I know I won't be able to avoid it. So I simply keep my needs to myself and fix my own problems.
And then my hormones suddenly decide that I should develop a crush or two. Then they fly into a wall and go unconcious before I can even get a logical explaination out of them. Which leaves me confused, but no less a wanting. And it's difficult, because I can't figure out what exactly draws me to these people. I know them and they're friends, yes. But I have lots of guy friends. That doesn't mean I have to develop a thing for them. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe I need to get out more. But guys in my area are asstwats. I don't want someone I have to deal with everyday. I'll get edgy and snappy and that'll be the end of that. It's so fucking confusing. I don't want these feelings, but they're there and I can't do anything about them. So I jsut shut up and deal with them. Eat some chocolate, be grumpy and sleep.
Does any of this even make any sense? I doesn't quite to me. It's just word coming out of my head and onto the screen. I don't even know if I'll keep this public. If no one's seen it by morning, I'll probably tag it as private and be done with it. Won't ever have to remember I wrote any of it.
I think I'm gonna drink a mudslide, I feel like I need one. Then maybe go to sleep. But probably not. Have to fill out applications tomorrow and hope my mom swings by with some cash. :P
EDIT :: I wanted to add this, because it's a damn good quote. True, too...
Have you ever been in love?
Horrible, isn't it?
It makes you so vunerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and your whole life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.
I hate love.
- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman
And, just so no one gets the wrong idea. This post isn't about me whining cause I have no one for Valentine's Day (I'm more dissapointed cause I won't have chocolate!) or me wanting love/affection/a boyfriend. This post is about me getting things out of my head. Journal = personal therapy. I'm perfectly content being single. It's just my hormones like to think differently every now and again.
